What not to say to a friend who is struggling to conceive

What Not to Say to a Friend Who Is Struggling to Conceive

Infertility often brings unexpected emotional challenges, and the words people use can unintentionally deepen the pain. Vicky Levens, 29, from Belfast, recalls how her third miscarriage led to difficult conversations at work. Two supervisors, aware of her journey, made remarks she found cutting. A female manager noted, “At least you were early in your pregnancy,” while a male colleague commented on her appearance, suggesting she wasn’t fit for the reception role. “I was in shock,” Vicky says, before resigning after her next shift. These remarks, though well-meaning, left her feeling isolated.

Many individuals dealing with fertility issues face similar unthoughtful comments from loved ones. Vicky, who began trying for a baby in 2020, says friends and family frequently tell her, “It’ll be your turn soon” or “Just hold on to hope.” Even advice is offered, but she feels it can come across as dismissive. “I know they’re trying to comfort me,” she explains, “but in those moments, I wish people wouldn’t say those things—they hurt.”

Common Missteps in Conversations

Kay, 33, from Manchester, shared her experience on Woman’s Hour’s Guide to Life. She says people often use poor phrasing when discussing infertility. “Someone close to me sat me down before starting IVF and said, ‘A lot of women have miscarriages, so you just need to get ready and not be dramatic about it,’” Kay recalls. While not intentionally cruel, such comments can feel insensitive, especially during vulnerable times.

According to the NHS, approximately one in seven couples face difficulties conceiving. In 2023, over 50,000 patients in the UK underwent IVF cycles, where embryos are transferred into the uterus. Yet, those undergoing treatment often find it hard to talk openly about their struggles. Chloe Cavanagh, 26, from Glasgow, who is on an NHS IVF waiting list, initially avoided sharing her condition. “There’s a sense of embarrassment,” she says, “because your body is supposed to do this naturally. You feel like you’re failing yourself.”

For Asiya Dawood, 42, from West London, the pressure is even greater in certain cultural contexts. As a British-Pakistani woman, she says relatives in South Asian communities often question her fertility. “You’re judged on whether you’re womanly enough,” she explains, adding that some blame her for prioritizing her career or not marrying young enough. This led her to withdraw from social interactions, feeling exhausted by constant remarks. “I didn’t go out, I didn’t have a social life,” she says, “because the comments never stopped.”

Experts emphasize the importance of opening up during fertility struggles. Joyce Harper, a professor of reproductive science at University College London, notes that the process is emotionally taxing. “The treatment itself is a roller coaster,” she says, “and the days when you get a period or have an embryo transfer back are especially hard.” Dr. Marie Prince, a clinical psychologist specializing in fertility, adds that support doesn’t always come from familiar circles. “Your IVF team may differ from the people you normally confide in,” she explains, urging individuals to seek help from those who understand the journey.

Support That Matters

Elena Morris, 29, from South Wales, highlights how thoughtful gestures can make a difference. After experiencing miscarriages, she received heartfelt support from friends and family, including food, flowers, and restaurant vouchers for a break. Even small acts, like texts reminding her of appointments or acknowledging her efforts, were meaningful. “It’s not just the big gestures,” she says, “but the quiet ways people show they care.”

“I think it’s quite a taboo subject,” says Dr. Marie Prince. “It might be that your IVF support team are different to the people who would normally support you.” She encourages individuals to ask for what they need, as support requirements vary from person to person. Random check-ins, remembering key dates, and educating oneself about treatments can signal genuine concern, she adds.

While not all comments are harmful, they can leave lasting emotional marks. The goal is to foster understanding and offer compassion, ensuring those going through infertility feel supported rather than judged.