The surprising reality of how teenage girls still define themselves

The surprising reality of how teenage girls still define themselves

A vibrant sign in felt-tip ink, affixed to the door of a private room, proclaims “GIRLS ONLY” alongside “Boy’s don’t Enter!” and a playful addition: “Don’t worry boys!” The board is adorned with hearts and stars, a testament to the group’s creativity. When I entered DRMZ youth club in Carmarthen, Wales, a dozen girls were already engaged in a spirited card game at a large round table. Laughter and chatter filled the space as they awaited their pizzas. This visit formed part of my Radio 4 series, About The Girls, which involved conversations with approximately 150 young women, predominantly aged 13 to 17. Their discussions mirrored the themes emerging from those sessions.

Savvy, witty, and full of life, the girls were a joy to converse with. Their talk revolved around ambitions for the future, deep friendships, and a keen sense of responsibility toward family. One mentioned wanting “a fridge that can hold a vase” while pursuing a medical career. Another spoke of confiding in friends without fear of judgment. The dialogue shifted seamlessly between school antics, social media trends, and debates over shared pizza portions. Yet, the key takeaway from these interactions was a recurring idea: teenage girls often view themselves through the prism of boys.

“Growing up as a girl,” said one participant, “so much of that is about how boys are behaving around you and what they’re doing to you. So there isn’t really a way to talk about that without mentioning boys… and it is frustrating.”

Undertaken after my series on teenage boys, this project followed the #MeToo movement and the cultural impact of Andrew Tate. I was eager to explore how girls perceived their identities in the modern era. The girls proved to be as insightful and bold as their male counterparts. However, the irony emerged when they noted that their behavior often adapts to boy-dominated settings. They described avoiding being seen as “too much,” “too loud,” or “weird,” while striving to be “smaller and quieter” in mixed company.

Teachers observed similar patterns, noting how girls “kept their heads down” and “flew below the radar.” Dr. Ola Demkowicz, a senior lecturer in the psychology of education at Manchester Institute of Education, has explored these pressures in her research. She explained: “We heard a clear pressure from young women — they feel the need to be polite and respectful, and they internalize behavior expectations as a constant.”

The discussion veered from the card game to school dynamics, the influence of boys on social norms, and the relentless portrayal of feminine “perfection” online. Despite their confidence, the girls acknowledged a subtle struggle to carve out their own space in a world constantly shaped by male perspectives. This dynamic, though persistent, was met with awareness and reflection, highlighting a nuanced tension between self-expression and societal expectations.